#ConfusedRN

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend of 2 years. I initially thought it was one of another typical short phone calls with him. To my surprise… It wasn’t. That phone call… Was the most honest and most open conversation we had, ever.

I was in the middle of organizing my clothes into my new cabinet when my phone rang. It was him. I took the call thinking it would end soon (like it usually does) and I could go back to finish organazing my clothes. The conversation started out normal.

He was complaining about work and the unjust working schedule the management is asking them. I am a bit angry with that issue also. He’s being overworked. Having straight shifts from morning till the following day. He’s barely rested when he got the call, asking him to go to work because the staff is short. Nakakaloka… Anyway, I stated my opinions ans thoughts regarding that matter. He, then, suddenly spoke that he misses me. From here on, I was shocked and wasn’t able to stop myself from tearing up because of the things he told me.

During our two years of relationship, I was always the giver. He barely reciprocates my feelings or even acknowledge my effors. Madalas ko syang inaaway tungkol dun. He’s my first boyfriend. Everything I experience with love and relationship is new to me. Sa dalawang taon namin, ako ang madalas nagbibigay ng oras ng effort. Nung una hindi ako nageexpect. Pero nung maglaon, na puro ako na lang ang nagbibigay (time, understanding, dates, gifts and efforts– things “usually” one would expect from the guy) is nagsimula akong magdemand from him.

I don’t know how to explain this without him sounding like an asshole and me looking like a shallow idiot for falling for him or being sad/angry just because. I have my reasons, pero ayoko nang magdelve in pa dun kasi it’ll be a long story.

Being taken for granted, ito ang madalas na argument ko. So sobrang nagulat ako nang bigla syang magopen ng nararamdaman nya during the phone call. He told me that he did not mean for me to feel that way. That he was wrong and is so sorry for everything. He also told me that he appreaciates every thing I have given and done for him so far and he thinks I am the one he would marry… Lastly, he promised me to change and do his duties as a boyfriend should.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko sa mga narinig ko. Kasi… Nitong mga nakaraan. Dahil sa ganitong paulit-ulit na sitwasyon at dahilan ng pagaaway namin… Dumating ako sa point na tinatanong ko na ang sarili ko kung mahal ko pa ba tong tao na to… I was thinking weather to break up with him or to continue until we eventually get tired with each other and the situation we are at.

Hay~ ewan… I really don’t know what to do or feel right now… Everything is jumbled in my mind. I can’t think straight pa… I was supposed to write two entries tonight para dun sa weekend escape ko to Tagaytay, kaya lang this happened… I’ll sleep, hoping my mind would clear and my heart would be light tomorrow…

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