In Actuality

Here I am. Downstairs, got kicked out of the room because my roommate would be cleaning. Listening to Skinny Love for the nth time because I still couldn’t get the meaning. Blanking while writing this entry.

Sharing my thoughts on the internet where it would remain undiscovered by most or would be read by eyes of strangers gives me a bit of comfort. Because most of you would think I am just a person whining or writing just whatever. Even if you judge me I wouldn’t mind that much. For most of the entries I have published or hidden in here are my honest thoughts. Thoughts I wouldn’t be able to share to even my closest friend. Because, hey, your best-friend may say that he/she completely understands you, but do they really? When even you yourself has yet to understand who you are.

People who are close to me would say that I am composed and collected. Got my act right or whatever. They think that I have my life all planned out when in actuality I haven’t the foggiest. It really frustrates me. They already have expectations and here I am still thinking about what to do with myself.

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years before 2016 ended. I don’t have a special someone. I currently have no goals. No dreams or anything. I can’t even see myself 5 years from now. And I am having this vexing slump. I don’t know. I was very exited with programming before. Typing blocks of codes, thinking of software logic and functions, setting up servers and configuring everything was so much fun for me. I don’t know what happened. What made me this way towards something I thought I love and won’t get tired of.

I just don’t know….. I got into watching Korean dramas again. Started reading books again… I wanted to travel… Travelling around interests me but my bank account wouldn’t simply allow it. I really do not know what is going on with me or what is it I really wanted. What I really want to be. Ah~ 몰라…

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