Comeback: A Change of Heart

It’s been a while since I have posted something. I’ve been thinking a lot lately (when didn’t I); Looking back, most of my posts are about having self-awareness (or the lack thereof), a positive outlook and acceptance of oneself. All of which I am not able to live up to. I still have those moments when I breakdown and question everything I am, I have and will be.

I will be completely honest, I started this blog because I wanted attention. It’s not because I wanted to share and have an outlet; or to help someone who’s in a similar situation as me. No. I started this blog so I could gain attention, empathy and to satiate my narcissistic side. This is the reason why I was not posting any blog posts for the past few months. I have several drafts. I haven’t posted any of them yet… It’s because I question the purpose of why I wrote those posts…

“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”
― Oscar Wilde

Maybe we all have those narcissistic tendencies or wanting to show-off excessively; or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know, I am not sure. But… as I was on hiatus, I was able to reflect on these. All the things I have posted about; positivity, self-awareness, acceptance, future plans, travel posts. All of them were truths with a bit of lies mixed in them. I wasn’t completely honest when I wrote those posts. I wasn’t in my right mind. All I was thinking is how I would write these posts to make it look good. To gain empathy; gain likes; have comments.

I now realized where I was wrong. Why I wasn’t moved and happy whenever someone complements me; or whenever I see some star, like, heart or comment notifications on my social network. Why I am not motivated even though I have read several self-help/motivational books; Or why am I not contented in spite of all my hullabaloo about having time alone to think and reassess myself and my supposed “realizations” during those trips.  I now know why… I was in too deep with the thought of making an impression and showing off to people who don’t know me just so I could gain their “likes”. I got too greedy…

I had to stop and take a step back… Hearts, likes, stars, comments doesn’t matter; What matters is being genuine. Positivity, acceptance and self-awareness isn’t a one time thing; It won’t come (and stay) after once, twice, thrice or more alone time to ponder on things. These things take a lot of work and requires an endless amount of time. I should not force myself to follow chapter-by-chapter, page-by-page and word-by-word of any self-help books; Read and absorb to do it in my own pace and own style. Otherwise, I would only feel more miserable if I fail to do what the book says.

I am writing this blog post in truth and with genuine feelings. I won’t delete my previous posts as a reminder to myself what was it like before. Now, I vow to only write posts with honest thoughts and clean intentions (LOL sounds like an oath taking, anyway…). Though, I still don’t have any specific format or content to focus on for this blog… Maybe just some random stuff… But I think… being honest is the first step to everything. Hopefully I can stand and live up to every word I have said in here. Haha!

Cheers~ ☺

4 thoughts on “Comeback: A Change of Heart

Add yours

  1. I read with keen attention. Thanks for sharing. It made me think of myself and what I write. Most of the times I am on creative writing, trying to create some thing to inspire, motivate, encourage my readers. I do not limit myself to my own life. I draw from other people’s lives and my reading. When, in a poem, I say ‘I am dying for you’ the ‘you’ is an imaginary you not a real you. This is the way some people look at it. Some people share their own stories exactly as they unfolded. I think it’s up to each person to decide which to go for. Again, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reacting to your post. I hope you like my reaction.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and giving your thoughts 🙂 You are absolutely right about each person’s perspective and how they are the one who’ll eventually decide. As for me, I am still looking for a format that would best suit me. What topics and how can I convey them through blog posts. Or maybe I’ll just go with the flow and write whatever floats my boat 😉 But, yeah; this post is just about me changing my mindset about the purpose of why I am writing and sharing blog posts. To share while showing my true self. ^^~

      Liked by 1 person

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