It’s been a while since I have posted something. I’ve been thinking a lot lately (when didn’t I); Looking back, most of my posts are about having self-awareness (or the lack thereof), a positive outlook and acceptance of oneself. All of which I am not able to live up to. I still have those moments when I breakdown and question everything I am, I have and will be.
I will be completely honest, I started this blog because I wanted attention. It’s not because I wanted to share and have an outlet; or to help someone who’s in a similar situation as me. No. I started this blog so I could gain attention, empathy and to satiate my narcissistic side. This is the reason why I was not posting any blog posts for the past few months. I have several drafts. I haven’t posted any of them yet… It’s because I question the purpose of why I wrote those posts…
“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”
― Oscar Wilde
Maybe we all have those narcissistic tendencies or wanting to show-off excessively; or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know, I am not sure. But… as I was on hiatus, I was able to reflect on these. All the things I have posted about; positivity, self-awareness, acceptance, future plans, travel posts. All of them were truths with a bit of lies mixed in them. I wasn’t completely honest when I wrote those posts. I wasn’t in my right mind. All I was thinking is how I would write these posts to make it look good. To gain empathy; gain likes; have comments.
I now realized where I was wrong. Why I wasn’t moved and happy whenever someone complements me; or whenever I see some star, like, heart or comment notifications on my social network. Why I am not motivated even though I have read several self-help/motivational books; Or why am I not contented in spite of all my hullabaloo about having time alone to think and reassess myself and my supposed “realizations” during those trips. I now know why… I was in too deep with the thought of making an impression and showing off to people who don’t know me just so I could gain their “likes”. I got too greedy…
I had to stop and take a step back… Hearts, likes, stars, comments doesn’t matter; What matters is being genuine. Positivity, acceptance and self-awareness isn’t a one time thing; It won’t come (and stay) after once, twice, thrice or more alone time to ponder on things. These things take a lot of work and requires an endless amount of time. I should not force myself to follow chapter-by-chapter, page-by-page and word-by-word of any self-help books; Read and absorb to do it in my own pace and own style. Otherwise, I would only feel more miserable if I fail to do what the book says.
I am writing this blog post in truth and with genuine feelings. I won’t delete my previous posts as a reminder to myself what was it like before. Now, I vow to only write posts with honest thoughts and clean intentions (LOL sounds like an oath taking, anyway…). Though, I still don’t have any specific format or content to focus on for this blog… Maybe just some random stuff… But I think… being honest is the first step to everything. Hopefully I can stand and live up to every word I have said in here. Haha!